Some time ago, I rattled off a list of questions that I didn't have an answer for, or for which I had answers too short and obvious to make for a whole column. I think it was a hit, if only because I actually got a piece of irate mail over it. So, in the hopes of getting even more, I'm going to do it again. I need more things to wallpaper the den with, anyway.

Now, in my previous moment of channeling Andy Rooney, I sprayed pretty far and wide and hit a lot of targets. This time, however, I'd like to narrow it down to the current morass in the Middle East. And, as you might expect if you've been keeping up with things, I have a lot of questions to ask. Some are stumpers and some are head-slappers, but they all need to be asked - and answered - if we're ever going to get a firm and fair resolution of the issues at hand.

Answers are more than welcome, of course, but don't feel bad if you can't. I don't think many of the "leaders" in this crisis can answer them either, from the looks of things...

* President Bush blames former President Clinton for the current Intifada. Can former President Clinton blame the previous President Bush for helping arm Saddam in the 80's, and then leaving him in power at the end of Desert Storm?

* Isn't it kind of ironic how, on the campaign trail, George W. Bush had a fairly "hands-off" attitude towards the Middle East, and a measure of hoity-toity scorn for the Clinton administration's attempts to play peacemaker? When is someone really going to call him on that flip-flop?

* And when is someone going to call Senator Clinton on her flip-flop over Arafat? First she supports him, then she doesn't... can you say "follow the money?"

* Speaking of flip-flops, what evidence do we really have that the current Intifada was "planned" ahead of time by Arafat? Did he call Ariel Sharon on the phone and double-dog dare him to go to that temple?

* On the other hand, why the hell didn't Arafat do his best to contain the situation instead of egging it on?

* How is Arafat supposed to stop terrorism when his police are in disarray and under fire?

* But then, why didn't he use his police to stop terrorism when they weren't in disarray and under fire?

* Muslim leaders are scrambling to come up with a definition of "terrorism" that exonerates Palestinian suicide bombers and damns the Israeli army. Shouldn't the fact that they can't agree on one be telling them something?

* Am I the only one who feels that General Anthony Zinni is more of a baby pacifier than a peace-maker?

* Arafat keeps begging America to send Zinni back, but how long will it take him to realize that all he's going to get from a meeting with Zinni is a handshake and another terse demand he can't comply with?

* While we're talking about diplomats - why did Colin Powell go to Morocco first?

* We keep holding the Mitchell Plan and Tenet Plan up as holy grails to peace in the Holy Land. Is the fact that neither the Israelis nor the Palestinians seem willing to drop their fighting and go back to the negotiation table their way of letting us know, in roundabout terms, just what they think of those plans?

* Was the Saudi plan for peace ever really worth a damn? Recognition of Israel's right to exist might be a major step in the right direction, but that's just words on paper. The people in the streets aren't so easily swayed by words on paper.

* Speaking of recognition: when are the Arab nations going to realize that America has no real control over Israel's actions?

* When is George W. Bush?

* And when is Israel going to realize that Ariel Sharon has no real control over his own actions, either?

* When are the Palestinians going to realize that Washington's overtures about wanting a Palestinian state are probably just crumbs thrown in an attempt to get Arab nations to be more favorable to our eventual attack on Iraq?

* When Vice-President Dick Cheney went on tour in the Middle East, every leader he spoke to said they couldn't support an attack on Iraq. Then he came home and said there was "no serious opposition" to an attack on Iraq. Is he deaf, lying or of the belief that "serious opposition" means they'll counter-attack to defend Saddam?

* When even Kuwait said they could not support an attack on Iraq, shouldn't that have told Dick Cheney something?

* When we attack Iraq and put Saddam out of power, who will we replace him with, and how do we know that we won't be setting up another freak who will abuse power, leading to another Islamist revolution and anti-American regime?

* Speaking of that, if we're going to blame Clinton for the Intifada, can we blame the CIA for helping Saddam's Ba'ath Party get into power in the first place?

* When we attack Iraq and put Saddam out of power, will we be attacking Iran and North Korea after that? And if so, who - or what - will we be replacing their current regimes with?

* Do you get the idea that British Prime Minister Tony Blair's support of America's War on Terror might have more to do with covering up for his stillborn "New Labour" policies?

* If so, has he failed to notice that very few in his own party are as anxious to get involved as he is?

* Do you also get the idea that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's increased military actions - at least before the Passover Massacre - had more to do with staving off Benjamin Netanyahu's hard-right challenge to his administration?

* Speaking of which, when is the Arab media going to realize that as bad as Ariel Sharon may be, he's mere flatulence compared to the VX gas that Benjamin Netanyahu's administration will be like?

* And when is the Arab Media going to own up to the fact that, while it's true that there are quite a few pro-Israeli media outlets in America, just about every media source in the Middle East is pro-Palestinian, and their calls of "Zionist bias" really are the pot calling the kettle black?

* If CNN is such hot stuff, why do I have to get my news from the BBC to get a full and clear picture of what's going on?

* Why do so few people care to mention that nice, big oil pipeline we're now free and clear to build in Afghanistan? (Okay, it's not part of the Middle East, but...)

* Speaking of oil - when are we going to use some of that great know-how of ours to get ourselves off the oil habit, thus rendering OPEC irrelevant?

* And finally, on a more personal note: How many more times do I have to tell the Emperor he has no clothes on before I wind up on Americans for Victory Over Terrorism's list of thought-criminals?

* And who else wants to join me?

"Are you really serious, or what?"

"Sometimes I take humor seriously. Sometimes I take seriousness humorously. Either way it is irrelevant."

"Maybe you are just crazy"

"Indeed! But do not reject these teachings as false because I am crazy. The reason that I am crazy is because they are true."

- Conversation from the Principia Discordia